“Hey Dave-O: It’s me, Rita. I read your so-called “book” and you know what, you piece of shit? You made me look like a real jackass. I did everything I could for that little prick, Jerry, and the thanks I get is to be made fun of by you. I’m not some sort of sociopath, no matter how many lies you want to tell about me.
I enjoy hearing from readers. Good or bad comments are always welcome, so long as they are constructive.
What I didn’t expect when I opened my inbox today was to get a letter from the least likeable character from my novel, Random Lucidity. Rita Miserly played a vital role in the story. I needed a character everyone would hate. She was awesome at it.
Apparently, Rita wasn’t a big fan of her portrayal. Here is the email she sent.
WARNING: Graphic Language
First of all, Reggie’s precious little girlfriend took the first swing at me. Oh wait, she’s not really his girlfriend anymore, huh? Sorry. Did I bring up a sore subject? He did a real nice job keeping her happy. What was that guy’s name she banged? Oh, never mind. I wouldn’t want him to look like a fool in writing. You know, like you like to do to people like me.
I guess that makes you real smart. That makes you a big mister author-man or something. But you know what you really are? You’re a pussy who hides behind your keyboard and makes shit up about people who can’t defend themselves. I’m the victim here. You’re lucky if I don’t sue you.
I have been through enough in my life. Men abandon me. My thankless kids want nothing to do with me. And the state won’t give me any more money after that little game Jerry played on me. And after all I did for him.
So you listen to me you useless pile of shit, you will never know what it is like to be me. But I have lots of friends and lots of people that love me. I hope one day you experience the embarrassment of being victimized by a two-bit “writer” like you. So fuck-off, Dave-O. And tell Jerry I hope he dies.”
Dave Adair is the author of Random Lucidity, proud recipient of 23 consecutive stellar reviews.